sweet mary of silence

I haven't been posting here for a while, partly because I've been busy, but also partly because I haven't been doing as much bdsm stuff.

( surviving vanilla pudding, adventures in the broader kink community, defining )

( pb & j )

( switching )

( more survivor-y than bdsm-y )

Just saying hello to everyone who's added me! I've been on and am still on a country-crossing vacation, so haven't had time to post, but expect some new content in the next few days.

If you haven't already, feel free to introduce yourself!

( continued... on to the kinky part )

( cut for some pretty explicit details of rape and sexual assault )

I decided that I wanted to write about my experiences with BDSM as a survivor of rape and sexual assault somewhere. Rationally, it sometimes seems difficult to reconcile the two. I know my partner is often concerned that he will unwittingly trigger me during sex. But in practice, I find it very comforting. In a way, I feel safest with my partner when we are in a scene because I absolutely trust that he will stop what he is doing (or change it, as the case may be) if I am uncomfortable with it. As a submissive it's my responsibility to make clear my hard limits and my soft limits both, and it's his responsibility to honor those. And to have fun, of course.

Often I find that the lines are much more blurrily drawn in vanilla sex.

It's frustrating, too, to confront the platonic ideal of "the perfect submissive." To be frank, I find 24/7 D/s creepy. I'll never refer to my partner in caps and not myself, or address him as sir or master. Just not my kink. Sometimes I worry that I am a bad submissive because I am not into these things (frankly, they're triggering for me), but I don't think that's really the case. My partner is definitely supportive (and hasn't asked me to do either of the things mentioned, ever) and very sweet. And very bossy. Which I like. :)